Step One: Passport Photos
Sounds easy, I know - but remember about the 4-month-old and the 30-month old. So, you recall the rules: neutral facial expression (no smiling, mouth closed), face and shoulders centered in the photo, eyes open, nothing breaking-up white, flat background (e.g. chairs, parent’s or child’s hands etc). Recall also that Iris doesn't sit up yet and Jamie doesn't really follow directions.
Sounds easy, I know - but remember about the 4-month-old and the 30-month old. So, you recall the rules: neutral facial expression (no smiling, mouth closed), face and shoulders centered in the photo, eyes open, nothing breaking-up white, flat background (e.g. chairs, parent’s or child’s hands etc). Recall also that Iris doesn't sit up yet and Jamie doesn't really follow directions.
The girl:
I wish had the outtakes, but you will just have to imagine. I was given a small ripped white pillowcase told to wear it over one arm and position my floppy baby up in front of it directly facing the camera and somehow managing not to have my hand, arms, shirt, or hair visible. The baby was told not to smile and look directly at the lens, eyes wide open, and NOT to suck on her fingers. (oh and no crying) The resulting photos depict me holding Iris like a puppet with left hand, the backdrop draped over my right arm and the rest of me bending sideways as much as possible, head tilted far to the right, looking very worried that I was about to drop my baby face-down on her neutral expression. She took it very well, a natural the camera-guy said, but needless to say quite a great many things were visible in background, including the marks on the tiny white ripped pillowcase. Next Brian tried a variety of contortions involving pieces of printer paper taped to his body and the chair as he tried to hold his daughter with invisible hands. Eventually he held Iris' hands together behind her back to prevent them from entering her mouth, I held up the appallingly inadequate pillowcase, and Brian shot her in the air in front of it and snap - there we were. Baby girl still serene and happy. Good baby.
I wish had the outtakes, but you will just have to imagine. I was given a small ripped white pillowcase told to wear it over one arm and position my floppy baby up in front of it directly facing the camera and somehow managing not to have my hand, arms, shirt, or hair visible. The baby was told not to smile and look directly at the lens, eyes wide open, and NOT to suck on her fingers. (oh and no crying) The resulting photos depict me holding Iris like a puppet with left hand, the backdrop draped over my right arm and the rest of me bending sideways as much as possible, head tilted far to the right, looking very worried that I was about to drop my baby face-down on her neutral expression. She took it very well, a natural the camera-guy said, but needless to say quite a great many things were visible in background, including the marks on the tiny white ripped pillowcase. Next Brian tried a variety of contortions involving pieces of printer paper taped to his body and the chair as he tried to hold his daughter with invisible hands. Eventually he held Iris' hands together behind her back to prevent them from entering her mouth, I held up the appallingly inadequate pillowcase, and Brian shot her in the air in front of it and snap - there we were. Baby girl still serene and happy. Good baby.
The boy:
Much much harder. For a two-and-a-half-year-old, sitting still and staring expressionless (mouth closed) at a stranger holding a camera is a Herculean task. The room was soooooo interesting. Aren't you supposed to smile for cameras? What does neutral mean? Serious face? No teeth? Eyes open? The inability to keep eyes open in photos is a genetic propensity in Brian's family that our child seems to have inherited, but I didn't really know that slack-jawed mouth-hanging-open was his relaxed face. We couldn't make him look at the camera. We held all sorts of things up, saying: "look at mommy," "look at the nice man," "look at the picture book," "look - what on earth does Daddy have over there?" We couldn't make him open his eyes or close his mouth and our repeated demands and escalating threats and promises caused him, of course, to screw his eyes shut and open his mouth as wide as possible. Over and over and over and over again we tried to render our lovely, vibrant son adequately expressionless and neutral and still and controlled and he behaved worse and worse, writhing and moaning "no more photos, don't don't do that" all the while trying to keep his eyes closed and his mouth open. After attempt #382 camera-guy sent us away claiming an upcoming appointment. Our one possibly successful shot came while Brian was on one side holding his hands down on the sides of the booster chair and I had just manually closed his mouth. Even after cropping, however, the chair was visible in the background so it may be rejected. Apparently "Passport Canada recognizes the difficulty in obtaining a neutral expression of a newborn and will allow for some tolerance in this regard." Do they realize that pre-schoolers are much much less neutral?
Much much harder. For a two-and-a-half-year-old, sitting still and staring expressionless (mouth closed) at a stranger holding a camera is a Herculean task. The room was soooooo interesting. Aren't you supposed to smile for cameras? What does neutral mean? Serious face? No teeth? Eyes open? The inability to keep eyes open in photos is a genetic propensity in Brian's family that our child seems to have inherited, but I didn't really know that slack-jawed mouth-hanging-open was his relaxed face. We couldn't make him look at the camera. We held all sorts of things up, saying: "look at mommy," "look at the nice man," "look at the picture book," "look - what on earth does Daddy have over there?" We couldn't make him open his eyes or close his mouth and our repeated demands and escalating threats and promises caused him, of course, to screw his eyes shut and open his mouth as wide as possible. Over and over and over and over again we tried to render our lovely, vibrant son adequately expressionless and neutral and still and controlled and he behaved worse and worse, writhing and moaning "no more photos, don't don't do that" all the while trying to keep his eyes closed and his mouth open. After attempt #382 camera-guy sent us away claiming an upcoming appointment. Our one possibly successful shot came while Brian was on one side holding his hands down on the sides of the booster chair and I had just manually closed his mouth. Even after cropping, however, the chair was visible in the background so it may be rejected. Apparently "Passport Canada recognizes the difficulty in obtaining a neutral expression of a newborn and will allow for some tolerance in this regard." Do they realize that pre-schoolers are much much less neutral?
Us:
Nothing much - we've done it before. When they insist on "no glare" I wonder if they count glaring at non-compliant toddlers. We were tired, and man are we ever old. Did I mention we are tired. Too tired to brush hair or shave for photo day apparently.
Tips?
Not really. Drink lots of beer? Practice deep-breathing? Bring a bumbo chair for babies and your own white cloth backdrops. Have toddlers practice making passport faces in the mirror ahead of time. Get it right on the first go to avoid increasing hysteria. Bring a puppet that somehow provokes a neutral but attentive response in your young. Have a professional photographer do it and photoshop out everything that does not look like a passport photo.
So step one on our way to Seoul maybe taken (although photos will likely be retaken).
Only a million miles to go before we sleep.
